Lyena's
Journal
12.3.2003
I’ve always wanted to compartmentalize my life: this is for my career; this is for my home life; this time is for this, this action if for that. Even in the way I make To Do lists – a separate list for each topic or priority in my life. It’s never worked very well but still I’ve persisted, trying again and again to organize myself in this way. Funny. No matter how useless something proves itself, I can remain fully devoted to the practice for years on end.
I suppose the desire is to exert some kind of control over the aspects of my life. Fairly strong control. Keeping everything in nice tidy boxes might let me keep the degree of vigilance I’ve always been compelled to have. Of course, nothing alive can breathe in a tiny box but that seems to have been irrelevant to me in the past. Or maybe it was preferable. Dead things don’t move very quickly. They can’t get away from you when you’re not looking or when you’re having a good time somewhere else. They stink a little and cause my ambition some frustration, but all in all, they’re nicely manageable and obviously fairly tolerable since I’ve been living with them for so damn long!
OK, so what’s changed? What’s different in my life today? In my life today, I have a little more comfort in a world that’s alive and flowing. (Ironic that the stillness of my body should teach me how to endure and even enjoy the movement of my life.) (And how even more ironic that a woman utterly adoring of physical movement might work so hard to curtail the movement in her life.) And I’m visited this month by a sense still vague and forming, that everything I do feeds everything in my life, that my life is an integrated tapestry with all the aspects weaving together to make one, magnificent, picture. Time spent redecorating my bedroom is time spent making a more healing and inspiring environment, which is time spent supporting my recovery and feeding my art, which is time spent building my livelihood, which is time spent enabling me to move into my own home……. And so and so it goes.
It’s the same message I got right after I fell only expanded to fit the whole of my life. In those first few weeks, I got a clear message (hate to use that word. Implies we should all be waiting for things written on the sky) that the road to my recovery had no turns. Mistakes were impossible and everything I did from that point forward was moving me toward the end of the tunnel. True. But also bigger than that. Everything I do is moving my life, as a whole, toward the fulfillment of………….. what? Its destiny? Does life have a destiny? Is my life’s destiny my own? Ok, this is another topic. But anyway, everything I do is moving my life toward its fulfillment. Maybe that’s the way to say it. And I can relax in the perfection of that and in my faith in those words not written on the sky.
Lyena | 21:39